Halloween is one of the few nights of the year when you can leave the house dressed as a priest, a prisoner or a man wearing approximately four square centimetres of fluorescent fabric and nobody is allowed to ask difficult questions.
For gay men, naturally, this makes Halloween something of an annual sporting event.
Amazon has thousands of costumes, but we ignored most of the sensible ones. Nobody came here looking for a historically accurate medieval peasant. We went looking for costumes with camp, questionable amounts of fabric and enough homosexual energy to make your heterosexual neighbours nervous.
Here are 15 that understood the assignment. Call them Halloween costumes, or your typical Tuesday night gay club outfit. Context is doing a lot of the work here.
1. The Nurse
Let us begin with healthcare, although absolutely no recognised healthcare regulator would approve of this uniform.
The costume consists of tiny white boxer shorts, an open medical coat and a stethoscope positioned with admirable confidence. Clinically speaking, the infection-control implications are horrifying. Visually speaking, however, nobody at the Halloween party is going to complain.
Heck, if I were a real patient, I also wouldn’t complain.
2. The Sailor
Gay men and sailors have a relationship stretching back so far that at this point it should probably be recognised by UNESCO.
This one gives you the sailor hat, little blue neckerchief, striped vest and shorts that appear to have been designed during a worldwide fabric shortage.
Add white shoes, dramatically announce that you have just returned from six months at sea and refuse to answer any follow-up questions.
3. The Prisoner
Nothing says rehabilitation quite like suspenders, chains and an enormous pouch.
The black-and-white prisoner costume appears to have taken inspiration from the traditional prison uniform and then removed almost everything traditionally associated with the word “uniform.”
The number across the waistband is particularly useful because without it, nobody would have any idea that this man was supposed to be incarcerated.
4. The Chef
Technically, you get a chef’s hat, apron and neckerchief. Technically, that constitutes a costume.
Whether an apron that ends approximately three centimetres below the important equipment provides sufficient protection against hot cooking oil is another matter entirely.
Still, if somebody asks what is on the menu, there are approximately 700 inappropriate answers available to you.
5. The Soldier
The military has spent centuries developing uniforms around camouflage, protection and practicality.
This costume has taken a slightly different approach.
There is camouflage, certainly. There is also mesh underwear, a cropped harness and more exposed torso than one would generally recommend in active combat.
It probably will not help you disappear into the jungle, but you are unlikely to disappear at the party either.
6. The Tartan Fantasy
Some costumes whisper.
This one kicks down the door wearing a tiny tartan skirt.
You get the matching cropped tartan top, bow tie and pleated mini skirt, producing something somewhere between private-school uniform, cabaret act and a particularly eventful night in Edinburgh.
Pair it with knee-high socks if you want to commit fully. Halloween is a time for tradition.
7. The Cowboy
Of course there is a cowboy.
There is always a cowboy.
This particular version includes the hat, red neckerchief, fringed vest and denim shorts with a strategically prominent front panel. Think Brokeback Mountain at the YMCA.
Boots complete the look.
And if someone asks where your horse is, answer accordingly.
8. The Police Officer
Halloween law enforcement, but make it deeply unprofessional.
The tiny blue shorts, cropped shirt, tie and police hat create a uniform unlikely to survive even the most relaxed departmental dress code.
You could add handcuffs, although Chronicle 19 accepts no responsibility whatsoever for where the evening goes after that.
9. The Greek God
Ancient Greece gave humanity philosophy, democracy, theatre, mathematics and apparently an excellent excuse for gay men to wear one piece of white fabric tied together with a gold sash.
This costume is wonderfully simple. Bare chest, tiny white toga, gold belt. Done.
Whether you are Zeus, Apollo or a minor deity responsible for Grindr notifications is entirely up to you.
10. The Mankini
There are revealing costumes, and then there is this.
The fluorescent green mankini offers approximately the same amount of privacy as an open window. It is instantly recognisable and, thankfully, genuinely funny, which is really the only thing standing between you and looking like a complete tramp.
Wearing it also requires the sort of confidence usually found in drag queens and men who regularly use communal gym showers.
There is nowhere to hide.
Literally.
11. The Maid
Sometimes Halloween requires elegance.
Sometimes it requires a tiny frilly apron attached to a muscular man wearing almost nothing else.
This maid costume firmly belongs to the second category.
It comes with the little headpiece and black-trimmed white apron, leaving you free to spend the evening asking whether anyone would like you to tidy their bedroom.
Subtlety died several paragraphs ago.
12. The Unicorn
Finally, something wholesome.
Well, comparatively wholesome.
The unicorn costume comes with a white romper, pink tail, horn, furry accessories and enough pastel colour to make you look like My Little Pony discovered circuit parties.
This is actually one of the stronger choices if you want camp without essentially attending Halloween in underwear.
Although the zip does appear to offer options.
13. The Astronaut
For the gay man who wants every part of his body covered for once, we have the astronaut.
The metallic silver suit, visor, gloves and hood make this one considerably more elaborate than most of the others on this list. You look futuristic, ridiculous and strangely fabulous at the same time.
It also provides the perfect opportunity to spend the night looking for Uranus.
I apologise for nothing.
14. The Priest
There are Halloween costumes that gently flirt with controversy.
Then there is dressing as a priest and going to a gay Halloween party.
The costume itself is surprisingly restrained, with the full black robe and clerical collar. The pictured cross is sold separately. Which means the joke is entirely dependent on what you do while wearing it.
You have been given tremendous responsibility here.
Get on your knees, I say.
14.1. Lizzie Borden
Couldn’t find this one on Amazon, which feels like a shocking failure of capitalism, so you’ll have to make it yourself.
Black Victorian dress, white apron, fake blood, plastic axe. Basically, if Little House on the Prairie had a true-crime spin-off.
For historical accuracy, occasionally mention that you were in the barn eating pears.
The trick is to look completely composed. You’re not a murderer. You’re just a respectable woman from Fall River whose household has experienced some staffing issues.
15. A Little Gay
And finally, perhaps the most honest costume Amazon has ever produced.
Not quite comfortable going out all gay? Restrain yourself and go just a little gay.
It is simply a black cape emblazoned with the words A LITTLE GAY in enormous rainbow letters.
No elaborate character. No historical backstory. No explanation necessary.
You walk into the party wearing it and allow everyone who knows you to appreciate the magnificent understatement of covering your bum.
Halloween Is Not the Night for Restraint
The beauty of Halloween is that none of this has to make sense.
You can be an astronaut standing next to a slutty cowboy who is talking to a priest while a unicorn walks past carrying two vodka sodas. For one night, this is considered a completely normal social environment.
So wear the ridiculous costume. Put on the tiny shorts. Add the hat. Commit to the character.
And if you choose the mankini, perhaps check the weather first.
With hardly any flesh left to the imagination, you can try every trick in the book and still walk away with the treats.
Chronicle 19 cares about you. Happy Halloween!
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